A Mothers Anthem

I am the mother of a diabetic child. I don’t know what it’s like to go to sleep at night and know for certain my child will wake up in the morning. I don’t know what it’s like to sleep the whole night through without waking up to do blood tests on my sleeping child. I don’t know what it’s like to prepare a meal without a calculator, measuring cups, and a gram scale. I don’t know ...what it’s like to drop my child off at school and know he will always be in the care of someone who knows how to take care of him. I do know what it’s like to force feed sugar in the middle of the night knowing I am sacrificing my child’s teeth to save his life. I do know what it’s like to draw up insulin at 2 am and pray to God I’m not too sleepy to make a fatal error in judgment, technique or calculation. I do know what it’s like to sit underneath the dining room table holding my sobbing child, explaining to him, “No, we can’t take a break just this one time.”while I inject insulin into his already bruised arm. I do know what it’s like to walk away from the pharmacy counter with an armload of supplies and realize I’ve just gone through another box of 200 syringes. I do know what it’s like to help my child march bravely past the juice and cookies at the school reception that was supposed to be his reward for achieving Student of the Month. I do know what it’s like to look into my child’s eyes and tell him he has an incurable disease and explain to him what that means, And then to be comforted by him when I’m the one who can’t stop sobbing. I do know what it’s like to love and cherish my child every minute of every day, to know that I may someday donate a kidney to him, and that if he were in need of a heart, mine would be out of the question, because it broke a long time ago.I am the mother of a diabetic child. Author: Unknown

Monday, April 1, 2013

Over and over and over again...the "what if" game.

Ive replayed in my mind, over and over and over again, like an old record skipping. How did this happen, what did I miss, what did I do wrong, what if I caught it sooner, what if he hadn't gotten the Flu, what if I made him wash his hands more, what if I didn't feed him this or I didn't feed him that, what if I grew my own veggies, what if, what if, what if? It replays in my head over and over and over. I search the internet every spare minute I have (like us parents of "D" kids ever have that)! I search for what I missed. How did I not know that this beast was lurking inside my son? Where did it come from, how did it get here, how the hell did I miss this?

Looking back over the years (yes, hind site is always 20/20), the signs were there. The "D" signs were there for a long long time. They say T1D hits hard and fast, and that, it did, at least when he was diagnosed it did. However, for years, I now see the sympoms. The symptoms that I had taken him to see see the Dr about. The symptoms that were dismissed. My son was always thirsty, there wasn't a nite that went by that I didn't get that little finger poking me and my son saying "mommy, Im thirsty, can I have something to drink". Every night, like clock work, 2-3 times a night, for years. My son was skinny, always skinny, I even asked his Dr if I could give him some Ensure to help him gain weight. The Dr. said, no, he is fine, he's just going to be tall and lean. His eyes would go blurry, the contstant headaches, the legs that would feel funny or hurt. Again, dismissed by the Dr. His Dr. would say, "some children are just drinkers, he is having growing pains, he is fine". Then there was the constant bed wedding. Every night, for years. From time to time we have a few days inbetween accidents but not many. Again, the Dr. said, some children dont outgrow bedwedding until they are 12.
They say that Type 1 Diabetes hits hard and fast. Im not so sure I believe that. From the day that my son took his very 1st insulin shot, all those "symptoms" went away. He has never, not even once, got up in the middle of the night to wake me up for something to drink. I can count on 1 hand how many accidents he has had since "D" day and those were from his blood sugars being high in the middle of the night. The blurred vision, gone. He has gained weight. All of it, all those symptoms stopped once he got the insulin in his symptom. So you see, Im not sure I buy the whole "T1D hits hard and fast" and you get diagnosed within weeks.
Im not a Dr. so I cant prove anything, Im just a single mom, dealing with the beast 24/7. The guilt lives in me every minute for not being able to take this away. For not figuring it out sooner, for doing something wrong that caused my son's system to turn on him. Mommy's are supposed to be able to fix everything and this time, I cant kiss the boo-boo and make it go away. I have been the caretaker most all of my life. I have always loved to "take care of". But I cant fix this.
So for now, I dont sleep much, just like all "D" moms, so I continue to search. Search for the answer, for the reason, for the mistake that was made to enrage this beast that took over our lives.
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