IM STILL WAITING....
Its been a year and a half now
since my son was diagnosed with this unforgiving disease. Its seems like just
yesterday that I was sitting in that blue walled room with baseball bat
borders, getting the horrible news that my baby, had some incurable disease. In
the past year and a half, we have done everything the Doctors have said, I have
read everything I can get my hands on, I have been counseled and coached by my
angles, Gina Lane and little Zoe. But here I still sit, no where better off
then I was a year and a half ago. I sometimes think we are stuck, stuck here at
day 1, not knowing a damn thing…still waiting.
Nothing is ever the same, this
disease is unforgiving and makes no damn sense what so ever. You can count
every carb to a “T”, you can cover perfectly, and this beast makes it’s mind up
that it aint going to play nice in the sandbox. Unexplainable highs, high’s
that you cant for the life of you get down. Unexplainable lows that seem to go
in that downward spiral and you are seconds from calling 911 to get an ambulance
to your house at 2:00am. Sleep? Whats that? Us “D” parents dont sleep and now,
I literally dont sleep at all. Diabetes is so unpredictable these days Im
afraid that he wont wake up in the morning like so many other child who have
died in their sleep.
The “what if” game continues,
and never seems to stop. What did I miss, what if I had done this, what if I
had done that..what if, what if, what if. It’s hard for people who dont have
T1D children to understand what you go through. You can try to explain to them
what this disease really is, but unless they have a child of their own dealing
with this disease, most just dont get it. They all mean well and bless their
hearts they try. I stopped getting angry
and have pretty much just submitted into this diabetes shell and just know that
us “D’ parents, truly are alone in this fight.
It gets tiring hearing all the
time about how if my son exercised he could cure his disease or if he just
didn’t eat “sugar”, he would get rid if diabetes. How about this one, “my
Grandma had diabetes, she lost her feet then died”. Really? Thank you for
informing me of that right in front of my child. And by the way, that’s Type 2
Diabetes, not Type 1.
Its been so long since I
blogged, I think about it all the time, I think I have just become deflated by
this disease that my get up and go...has got up and went! When my son was first
diagnosed, I was full on Advocate, full on raising money, doing diabetes walks,
speaking at the State Capitol to Senators and Reps, doing everything I could to
raise awareness and find that cure. But a year and a half later, Im deflated,
defeated and just curled up into this diabetes shell. Its all I can do to
manage the day to day injections, counting, checking, monitoring, feeding, blah
blah blah, that this disease has once again kicked our ass.
Everyone said to give it time,
that with time it would become easier. They said this would just become part of
who we were and it would just “be”. Well, Im still waiting....waiting for it to
become easier...waiting to stop worrying so much. Waiting for all of this to
make sense. Waiting for life to resume to normality. Im still just
waiting....waiting for something that may not even exist anymore...waiting.....
