381 Days and counting....

381 Days ago, our lives were turned upside down by the beast. It came in like a thief in the night and ripped apart more than just a pancreas. It ripped apart a life of "once was". It installed fear, anger, hurt, despair, depression, aggression, and darkness. It took away the innocence of a 9 year old child, the eyes of curiosity now not so curios, the amazement of fireflys, not so amazing, the joy of eating cotton candy at the zoo, now, not so tasty, the faith in the lord, not so faithful. The beast came in and destroyed a life of "once was". For 380 days, we have been taking that drink from a fire hose, breathing in and out, poking fingers, injecting insulin, crying the tears, loosing the sleep, fighting the fight and realizing that you just may be loosing. For 380 days, trying to find a glimmer of hope that some day, the life of "once was", becomes the life of  "what is". Well today, day, 381, the fear has lifted, not a lot, but alittle. The anger, ya, well, that is still here along with the hurt, but the despair, not so desperate today, day 381. Depression, aggression, and darkness, well lets say that someone has turned on a night light for us and things seem a little brighter.
The innocence of a nine year old child...gone..but the innocence of a now 10 year old has enveloped our lives again. Curiosity, amazement and strength has came back into this life of "once was". Today, yes, today, day 381, normality peaked into this house. For 380 days, the beast stole a life of a little boy who should have been outside playing in the dirt. Stole the life of a little boy who should have been riding his bike with his friends, falling down, skinning his knees, stubbing his toes, collecting water bugs, frying ants on the pavement and doing something as simple as going to a friends house without his "D" mom in tow. Today, yes today, day 381, we said NO MORE. No more stolen moments by the beast, no more living in fear that a "low" will destroy a life. We must live, he must live, he must be 10, must be a 10 year old boy, doing 10 year old boy stuff. So today, day 381, I put my heart, my soul, my life in the car, we drove to his friends house, I gave the "MOM" a drink from my fire hose of "D" info, handed over my "D" child, said, GO BE A BOY....GO LIVE...GO GET DIRTY...GO HAVE A LIFE. And for just a few hours, my son forgot he was diabetic. He forgot about the beast. I, on the other hand...had a panic attack. As I drove off, leaving my "D" child, in the hands of another mother, who does not know much of the beast, and leaving my child in the hands of HIMSELF, the beast consumed me for a bit. What are you doing? You stupid woman, you are leaving your "D" child, you are putting him at risk for.....STOP IT...GET OUT..Get out of my head you damn "D" beast. I did not leave my "D" child, I left my son at his friends house to play. Not my "D" son, just MY SON. My son, who for 380 days have lived his life with the beast, who has felt the highs and lows, who knows he body better than anyone. He was had to grow up so fast and now its time to slow down. For 380 days, he didn't just live with the beast. For 380 days, he has been learning how to just live. He has been learning how to take care of himself, how to recognize how his body feels and to recognize a change. Now, day 381, its time to take all you have learned, and go live. Go be a 10 year old boy, and go be free. You, my beautiful son, now have your wings, you have grown, your are not held hostage by the chains of insulin, pokers, test strips, you now need to fly.
It took 380 days of pain, hurt, fear, tears and struggles to have "enough", and just one moment for this "D" mom to realize, it all wasn't for nothing. All these past 380 days were training days, to get us here, to get us to the day, that my son now becomes free again, and our life of "once was", become a life of "what is". And what is it you ask? Its a life! A beautiful life of innocence once again. A life of a little boy skinning his knees and stubbing his toes......A FREE LIFE! Day 381, a new beginning.

For my little hero......"Dont you worry child"

Over and over and over again...the "what if" game.

Ive replayed in my mind, over and over and over again, like an old record skipping. How did this happen, what did I miss, what did I do wrong, what if I caught it sooner, what if he hadn't gotten the Flu, what if I made him wash his hands more, what if I didn't feed him this or I didn't feed him that, what if I grew my own veggies, what if, what if, what if? It replays in my head over and over and over. I search the internet every spare minute I have (like us parents of "D" kids ever have that)! I search for what I missed. How did I not know that this beast was lurking inside my son? Where did it come from, how did it get here, how the hell did I miss this?

Looking back over the years (yes, hind site is always 20/20), the signs were there. The "D" signs were there for a long long time. They say T1D hits hard and fast, and that, it did, at least when he was diagnosed it did. However, for years, I now see the sympoms. The symptoms that I had taken him to see see the Dr about. The symptoms that were dismissed. My son was always thirsty, there wasn't a nite that went by that I didn't get that little finger poking me and my son saying "mommy, Im thirsty, can I have something to drink". Every night, like clock work, 2-3 times a night, for years. My son was skinny, always skinny, I even asked his Dr if I could give him some Ensure to help him gain weight. The Dr. said, no, he is fine, he's just going to be tall and lean. His eyes would go blurry, the contstant headaches, the legs that would feel funny or hurt. Again, dismissed by the Dr. His Dr. would say, "some children are just drinkers, he is having growing pains, he is fine". Then there was the constant bed wedding. Every night, for years. From time to time we have a few days inbetween accidents but not many. Again, the Dr. said, some children dont outgrow bedwedding until they are 12.
They say that Type 1 Diabetes hits hard and fast. Im not so sure I believe that. From the day that my son took his very 1st insulin shot, all those "symptoms" went away. He has never, not even once, got up in the middle of the night to wake me up for something to drink. I can count on 1 hand how many accidents he has had since "D" day and those were from his blood sugars being high in the middle of the night. The blurred vision, gone. He has gained weight. All of it, all those symptoms stopped once he got the insulin in his symptom. So you see, Im not sure I buy the whole "T1D hits hard and fast" and you get diagnosed within weeks.
Im not a Dr. so I cant prove anything, Im just a single mom, dealing with the beast 24/7. The guilt lives in me every minute for not being able to take this away. For not figuring it out sooner, for doing something wrong that caused my son's system to turn on him. Mommy's are supposed to be able to fix everything and this time, I cant kiss the boo-boo and make it go away. I have been the caretaker most all of my life. I have always loved to "take care of". But I cant fix this.
So for now, I dont sleep much, just like all "D" moms, so I continue to search. Search for the answer, for the reason, for the mistake that was made to enrage this beast that took over our lives.