You inject insulin to cover his food, you count the carbs to
a “T”, you know his carb ratio, you got this….you cover his food perfectly, you
know his next check will be perfect……….NOT. You can count the carbs all day
long, you can know the carb ratio but when diabetes does not want to play nice…it’s
a downright bitch. Just the other day, we had it, finally got his numbers to a
good range after another growth spurt. Thought we would be sitting good at least
for another month or two. Nope, didn’t even last a week I think. Last few days
I haven’t been able to get his BG under control very well, my heart would go to
bed in perfect range, 2 hours later, hitting high 300’s, low 400’s your like,
what the hell? Where did that come from? You go over it in your head, all the
food he eat that day, calculating all the insulin and you know you didn’t make
a mistake. But there is it, Diabetes in all its bitchness, taking control once
again. Taking control of your childs body, but you thank God that these high blood
sugars happen while he is sleeping, at least he wont feel the pain from this
high. He wont get the stomach cramps, the headache, the emotional toll. You
begin to become thankful for the little things that God allows you to have,
like sleeping through a miserable high.
Tonight was one of those nights again. Ate dinner, covered
perfectly, then 1 hour later, my child is starving. Right then you know, he
just ate, and now he’s starving, we have high blood sugar, he’s not having a
real “hunger”, he is having what I call Diabetes Hunger. It sucks having to
tell your child who thinks he is starving, “honey, your having a diabetes
hunger”, drink some water, lets give you some insulin so we can bring you down.
Then, here comes the tears, mom, please make this go away? Why do I have this?
I just want to be normal, please mom, make this stop. Everyone makes fun of me
now, they call me “Diabetes Boy”, I don’t want to be like this, make it go
away. There it is folks, the gut wreching hell of being a Mom that cant kiss
the boo-boo and make it go away. As mothers, its our job to make our children
better, its our job to put a band-aid on a little cut, kiss it, and poof, the
mom magic makes the pain go away. Diabetes, is not something that any mother
can take away, we cant tell our child that they will be better soon, because
they wont be. Not tomorrow, not next month, not next year, not 5 years from
now. They will deal with this for the rest of their lives and us as mothers,
have to live with the guilt of not being able to make it go away.
How do you answer your child who asks you “Mom, why did God
do this to me? He can make it go away so wont don’t he”. Somebody, please tell
me why? Because I would surely like to know what the hell the answer is. Why do
our babies have to deal with this? Why does any child have to deal with any cronic
disease? Why does any mother have to say Goodbye to their child who just lost
their battle to cancer. None of it makes sense, why the innocents have to
suffer. Maybe someday we will understand the “why” of things so until then, we
will continue to try to kiss the boo-boo’s we can, and just hold our sobbing
children we the kiss wont make it go away…..
